Backfire
by MissMilkMaid
Summary: Mary Sues appear in the Caribbean, but the characters stay in character. Jack and Will handle the uninvited guests in their own ways.
1. Jack's List

Backfire

Mary Sues appear in the Caribbean, but the characters stay in character. Jack and Will handle the uninvited guests in their own ways.

Jack's List

Holly-flower Moondancer raced down to the docks, tears streaming from her very larger, beautiful, stunningly blue eyes, which still somehow managed to sparkle, despite the fact that she was crying them out, and of course weren't at all red or puffy. Anyway, Holly-flower Moondancer came to the docks, her blond hair flowing behind her, because even through it wasn't proper, she kept it down, and crashed right in to Captain Jack Sparrow!

Looking up, her heart gave a sudden jump and pit-a-pat, at the sight of the dark, handsome, roguish face. He was no doubt a pirate and a scoundrel, but Holly-flower Moondancer trusted him at once, because she felt in her heart that he was her soul mate.

"Oh, Captain Sparrow! You must save me and take me away with you, because I've been abused, enslaved, and so terribly distressed and we are meat to be!" she cried, throwing herself upon him.

Jack almost fell over, because Holly-flower Moondancer was very tall, although of course she was also thin as a twig. Finally, he found something like balance and disentangled himself. "Ah, another Mary Sue," he said looking Holly-Flower Moondancer over and the look on his face was not pity and certainly not love-struck awe. It more like scheming, roguish glee. An expression one would expect of a scoundrel and, well, a pirate.

"Oh, Jack, my love, please take me with you! I have been so miserable, but now I know I have found my one true love!" cried Holly-flower Moondancer, falling to her delicate knees and clutching Jack's dirty hand.

Jack smiled not so pleasantly at her and then turned to beckon over his shoulder. "Mr. Gibbs!" he called, "bring the list and come down here." Then he turned back to Holly-Flower Moondancer. "What's yer name, Luv," he asked, as Gibbs came up behind him.

"I am called Holly-Flower Moondancer," answered Holly-Flower Moondancer.

"Did you get all that?" Jack asked Gibbs, who was holding a list so long the end of it was in danger of tumbling off the dock and into the dirty water 3 feet below.

"Ah, nearly," answered Gibbs, writing with a feather quill, the tip of his tongue sticking out in concentration. Then he looked down at Holly-Flower Moondancer. "Why Jack! That's quite a wench! She's nearly as pretty as that Starling Lady-Bird."

"Was that the one with the emerald eyes and silver/blond hair?" asked Jack.

"No, Starling had navy eyes and hair like ebony. She was the one what snuck into yer cabin, really quite like, when ye were drunk and…"

"Ah, yes. I remember Starling," interrupted Jack with a grimace, about 12 back weren't she."

"That'd be er," confirmed Gibbs, after a quick consultation of the list.

Holly-Flower Moondancer had no comprehension of their piratish garb, and only eyes for her Jack anyway. "Oh, My Love, are you not going to sweep me off my feet and confess your undying love and loyalty to me?" she asked in a voice like an angel.

Jack looked back down, where she was still clutching his hand, as if he had only just remembered her.

"Molly-Tower Dancer, or whatever yer name is, I feel it is only fair to warn you that, though I am quite flattered, my one and only love is the sea. But that a side, I'm afraid that I have no room on my ship fer silly wenches. However, if you can manage to appear on me ship Friday night a week from now, I'll be happy to entertain you in me cabin for the night," he said.

"Er, Captain?" said Gibbs, tapping Jack on the shoulder, "You already got an appointment that night, with, uhm," he squinted at the list, "One Rosemary Swift-Wind."

"Oh, then it'll have to be the next Saturday, Colleen," said Jack lightly, looking down, at the confused Holly-Flower Moondancer.

"Not, till, a, week, from, Saturday. Appear, at, night, on, the Black Pearl," explained Jack very slowly, hopping the Mary Sue would understand him.

Holly-Flower Moondancer's big beautiful eyes flew wide. "Oh, Jack! How could you?! We're soul mates! Meant to be!" she cried, flinging herself around his knees.

This time Jack really did fall over backwards. Quickly kicking his legs free, he scrambled away from the Mary Sue, grimacing in disgust as she clutched for his boots. Climbing back to his feet, Jack hurried toward the _Pearl_. Gibbs was already on the gangplank.

Holly-Flower Moondancer ran after her love. "Oh, Jack! How can you leave me? How can you do this to your one true love, your Holly-Flower?!" she called after him, with a voice more beautiful than a syren's.

Without looking back, Jack answered, "Pirate! 'Take what you can,' freedom, the sea and all that." As he quickened his pace, he beckoned to Gibbs to get rid of the overtaking danger.

Eventually, Jack and Gibbs managed to set off without Holly-Flower Moondancer, but, in her desperation, she leapt to in the water, after her love, for she would rather drown than live without him. Jack didn't even notice the Mary Sue until she climbed onto the deck.

"Oh, Jack!" she began, but before she could plead, cry or declare anything farther, he spun the wheel, causing the boon to swing around and knock her squarely into the water. As the _Black Pearl_ sped away Jack called over the rail, "See you a week from Saturday, Dolly, Luv!"

"Do yeh really think she'll appear?" asked Gibbs, as Holly-Flower Moondancer disappeared in the distance.

"Of coarse she will, Mate! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!"

"Well, all the other 158 wenches did, so I suppose she will to," consented Gibbs.

"No doubt! Ever since I made the movies, I've had wenches climbing the masts to get me. Just goes to show what a little fame and dashing good looks will do for a man. If only the rum came as easily. Did you load the barrels we bought in Tortuga?

"Blast! I bloody forgot, what with…" Gibbs gestured out where Holly-Flower Moondancer had just disappeared.

"Oh bugger! Why is the rum always gone?"


	2. Express Delivery

**Disclaimer**: I forgot this in my last chapter, so this counts for both. I do own _Pirates of the Caribbean_ and watch it often, but I don't want any money from it, or from this story and all rights belong to Disney.

Backfire

Express Delivery

The starlight glimmered down on the eerie waters, at the end of the world. In their strange light could be see the beautiful figure of the elven princess Destiny Touchstone, floating peacefully in the dark waves. Her knee length, raven locks famed a perfect, face. Well, it was as perfect as a face can be when it's dead. Anyway, peace dwelt in her small smile, because Destiny Touchstone had died in the knowledge that she was not at the end of her life, but at the beginning of a new and wonderful life, of romance and adventure at seas between the worlds.

With a crash of waves and spay, a jawed ship emerged beside the angelic corpse. Will Turner was at the wheel, his brown eyes fierce and steadfast.

Once the _Flying Dutchman_ was bobbing gently on the star-reflecting ocean, he addressed his first mate. "Mr. Tuner how many are we picking up here?"

"Just one: elven, female," answered Bill Turner, the captain's father.

"Look lively, men! Let's find this girl quickly, for we are due off the Irish coast shortly!"

There was a scurry aboard the _Dutchman,_ as lanterns were lit and a longboat was made ready to fetch the passenger. Will rode in the front of the little boat, holding a lantern aloft, as he looked for the girl. At last he saw her floating solemnly in the end seas, her navy dress, lined with silver, rippling like the sea itself. "At last," said Will, and thrust the lantern into Bootstrap's hands. "Here, hold this," he said, before reaching down to pull the elf out of the water.

As his strong, cold, pulse-less hands wrapped easily around Destiny Touchstone's miniscule waist, her long eyelashes fluttered open, revealing startlingly beautiful, violet eyes. "Ah, Captain Turner, I knew you would find me," whispered Destiny Touchstone, in a voice like a lost zephyr over an ocean bay.

Will nearly dropped the elf, in surprise, or annoyance. "Oh, great," he sighed exasperatingly, "Another Mary Sue." He handed her over to Bootstrap, who somehow managed to help the elf into the boat and hold the lantern at the same time.

Will looked strait ahead, as they started back for the _Dutchman_, completely ignoring Destiny Touchstone, who was shivering behind him. "Ah, Will dear, do you happen to have a blanket you could lend me, or perhaps you could give me your coat? I am so very cold."

"That is usually the case with everyone, who is dead. Get use to it," answered Will.

Startled Destiny Touchstone was speechless for a moment. Then her lovely face softened into sympathy. "Ah, My Beloved," she said sweetly, "It must be hard to be bound to this ship, all alone." As she spoke, Destiny Touchstone put her delicate, pale hand on Will's shoulder and then let it slide down his arm.

"No, it's not," said Will, shaking her off and standing, as the longboat reached the Dutchman, "I'm just on a tight schedule is all." He climbed the rope latter to the deck and left Bootstrap to help the passenger aboard.

Once everyone was on deck and preparing to leave, Destiny Touchstone found herself standing between Bootstrap, who had kindly lent her his coat, even though it didn't seem to be doing her any good, and another sailor. She glanced around for Will and finally saw him come out of a cabin and approach, scroll in hand. As she saw him, her violet eyes seemed to flash and swill with a mixture of colors, which gave Bootstrap the creeps.

Will stopped before them, raised the scroll and began to read. "Miss. Destiny Touchstone Elven Princess of Lesterlon, I am sorry to inform you that you have died, on this the 16th of January 1822. I am Captain Will Turner of the Flying Dutchman and will be escorting you to the other world, where you shall await Judgment…and…" Will's strict voice haltered to a stop, as he peered over his scroll. While he'd been reading, Destiny Touchstone has left Bootstrap and the other sailor and slowly advanced on the captain. Now she was nearly in his face and she reached out to toy with his hair, as she smiled sweetly down at him, for she was a good deal taller than Will. "Ah, Captain, Aren't you going to ask me if I fear death, and invite me to join your crew?" she whispered, leaning even closer to him.

Will release the scroll, with a snap and stepped curtly back. "No," he said with finality, then tuned to Bootstrap. "Mr. Turner, show Her Majesty to the passenger quarters," he commanded. Bootstrap obediently grabbed Destiny Touchstone's slender arm and began to pull her away. Will tucked away his scroll and was just heading for the quarter-deck, when there was a sudden blast behind him.

"No!" cried Destiny Touchstone, as she blasted Bootstrap away in a rainbow flash of magic. "I'm supposed to join Will's crew! He's supposed to love me! It's our destiny!"

Will turned and tried to duck, as another rainbow flash streaked towards him, but it was too late. Caught in her spell, he began to swing though the air toward her. Destiny Touchstone was just about to reel him back to her, when he suddenly grabbed the mast, swung about it and disappeared. Surprise colored her beautiful face and her big eyes grew even larger. "Ah Will?!" she called, "Will, My beloved, where are you?" She was tuning about in a confused, searching circle, when Bootstrap came up behind her and knocked her out cold with a bottle. Will peeked out from the mast and looked suspiciously at the elf. "Is she really out," he asked softly, "That usually doesn't work on Sues, you know."

Bootstrap kicked the lifeless form. "I think she's out," he answered, and looked up at his captain, as Will emerged completely from the ship mast. "Why do I always have to save you from these Mary Sues, William?" asked Bill.

"It's not my fault, if beautiful girls are always chasing me, Dad." Pointed out Will.

His father crossed his arms. "You never should have made that movie. You didn't even get a happy ending," exclaimed Bill, wagging his finger reprovingly. Will didn't answer, just looked down the elven Mary Sue. Bill followed his gaze. "Should we throw her overboard?" he asked.

Will hesitated, "No," he said, at last, "I have a job to do. She must be escorted, but perhaps we can put off the Irish Coast a bit longer and do an express delivery. Take her to her cabin and see to that she doesn't wake up before we arrive." After giving his commands, Will mounted the quarter-deck and set their course. Over the edge and over again.

The End


End file.
